She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
