battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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