I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
