the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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