i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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