We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
