just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize