Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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