Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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