I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
