Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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