How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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