He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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