I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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