Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
