Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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