Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
