Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
