awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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