Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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