Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
