What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
we should paint friendship bongs
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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