i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
accomplished twins. life is a go
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
