You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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