I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize