His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
