The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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