i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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