theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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