I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
