you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
