At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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