The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
