my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I don't deserve a penis
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
