no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
