You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
