nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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