I have demons in me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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