Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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