i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
