Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
