He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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