The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
