who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
