I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
