i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize