My hand turned me down
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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