who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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