i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
