nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I want to be your penis for a week.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
