I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
