you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
