why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
