he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize