I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I look better un-naked...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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