On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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