So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize