when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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