I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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