I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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