am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
