my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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