Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
