I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
