You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
