3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
