I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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