My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize